After the church gathering on a Sunday, imagine a friend pulling you aside and asking, “Would you mind talking for a bit? I’m dealing with something — failure in a particular area actually — and I’d appreciate your counsel.” What would you do? I’m sure you would want to help.
But should you?
Initially, assume the best about the person and praise him for his willingness and humility to ask for help. You might also express your confidence that, with Scripture and God’s disposition to help his children, there is a path to victory and rest.
Now comes a critical few moments.
Before offering counsel, you’ve got to know what is going on. Ask questions about what the issue is, when it started, and how often it happens. Once you have a general idea of the issue, here’s something you always need to ask early on: Have you received any previous counsel for this? If so, from whom, and what was said? Sometimes a person has received unbiblical counsel that has led him astray and possibly even harmed him. That will affect how you respond.
Already Receiving Biblical Counsel
You might discover, however, that the individual is currently receiving what sounds like sound, biblical counsel from another believer or pastor. He might just be seeking a second opinion, or maybe he really values your input. However, if he’s already receiving solid counsel, encourage him back to the one helping. Let him know you’ll be praying for him and will check on him, but “How kind of the Lord to be helping you through (name of person)!”
You sometimes might discover that a person is seeking counsel from you because he doesn’t like the good counsel he is getting elsewhere. If you keep asking questions, particularly about what has already been communicated from another counselor, you might be surprised how quickly you’ll be able to discover the person’s hidden motive. Once that is known, you will be the one hurting the individual if you seem to disagree with or even soften the biblical counsel already received. As in the previous scenario, encourage the person to listen to his counselor, commit to praying, and then politely shut down the conversation.
Lacking Knowledge
I’ll mention just one other situation when you should not offer biblical counsel: when you don’t know what to say! Most mature believers have some insight if a person is fighting sins like anxiety or lust.* There are other issues, though, that require someone with more Bible knowledge or understanding of a situation, and possibly expertise in addressing a particular issue.
I was once one of the speakers at a conference addressing sexual purity. One of the men attending came up to me afterward and quietly shared a struggle he was having that had me instantly thinking, “I didn’t even know that people struggled with that.” Red-faced, I quickly responded, “I think the only advice I can give you is to talk about that with your pastor.”
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*Here’s a book we often recommend to those counseling others regarding sexual purity.